On Oxymorons (continued)

Magical Realism (continued)    

     This is a March issue of the famously unknown monthly periodical  "Exorbitantly Cheap"  promoting easily available yet unobtainable items. Magazine's Chief Editor N.V. Ritch discusses various tricks the corporate America uses to cheat consumers out of their hardly earned cash. N.V. Ritch is also known for his bestseller "They Have Too Much" that he wrote in collaboration with Ken U. Steel and Rob N. Keel.

     Last week the U.S. Department of Alchemy (USDOFA) released their annual guide. In a precise and convoluted manner this thin brochure not only will advise you on the newest developments in the alchemical field but will also test your scientific knowledge (see mini-questionnaire in the back). USDOFA Director Yarr Wright is a celebrated author of the fastest selling book in history "How To Become A Millionaire In Two Minutes". 

     After 25 years of blessing us with such pricelessly shallow titles as:  "Listening Tips for the Deaf", "Visibly Unseen", and "Oblivious Awareness" Rita Daition rewards our patience again with her latest self-help book "Sleeping Insomniac". Through a series of deniable confirmations she skillfully draws us in with unrivaled hectic serenity. The Editor of "Psychology Yesterday" referred to her writing as "...being in a newly painted room with all the windows shut, so refreshingly suffocating. Bravo!"

     "Optometry Undone" Publishing House has done it again. Children and adults alike simply love seeking clues and hidden content between two hardcovers of their cleverly designed titles. "Sightless Seer" is the latest edition in the series of their picture-less, page-less graphic novels.

     Dr. Sam I. Seynn is widely regarded as a leading expert on various unimportant issues. His sharp vagueness and substandard expertise are in the spotlight again with his new book "Common Sanity in Schizophrenia". His other works of interest are: "Clever Imbeciles", "Rational Dementia" and "Senility in Babies".

     It is not often when the U.S. Department of Offense unofficially endorses any printed title and it is completely irrelevant when it nominates a literary work for a Nobel War Prize. "Military Intelligence" by Burd Brayn and Emily "Minnie Wits" Thompson is the 6th installment of the award-winning 'War Series For Children'. Published by Impartial Bias Press. Excellent and easy to follow even for adults! 

     After dedicating most of his life to contributing opinion articles for culinary magazines "Ravenous Self-denial" and "Ice Cream Diet" Mike Ake finally chose to retire from public spotlight to his ascetic multi-million dollar villa in Santo Diablo. There surrounded by his grandchildren he began to write again, this time - children stories. "Dire Joy" is one of those delightful and heart-warming tales of controlled overeating and safely handling mortal danger.

      "Guaranteed Uncertainty Publishing" and  art galleries affiliated with them are famous for their genuinely questionable art of the most dubious authenticity. The meticulous hastiness of their experts is simply unsurpassed and every self-respecting art collector highly regards their profoundly trivial approach to everything they do. In an interview with us, chief editor Penny Reeper, proudly stated: "Just like any real historian or archaeologist we strive to determine, for instance, if the mini-gun belonged to a regular red coat soldier or George Washington himself, or if Caesar's night vision set was recovered along with the bust or was it buried elsewhere, or if Venus was a highly paid courtesan assassin or merely an amateur hit woman. As you can imagine these questions are of enormous irrelevance and need to be answered first and foremost."

     Many were skeptical when Barren & Lush merged with Cluttered Void Printworks even despite their recent disastrously successful adaptation of "Mother Goose Nursery Rhymes" called "Father Ostrich' Never Dies". And then suddenly in February this year "Penguin Raiders in Equatorial Antarctica" hit the shelves. Written by a last year National IQ Contest winner - Hardt Lee Smart this instant classic is about two lovely little penguin pirates who go on a killing spree among the palm trees and cactuses of Antarctica in search of a magical banana that will help them conquer the whole planet. Follow our heroes and sing along while the duo with rage-filled tranquility pillage and burn down the entire continent. Children's Book of the Year, no doubt!

     "Alcoholic Sobriety" takes a new and unusual look at the issue of substance abuse and discovers the thrilling truth behind the phenomenon. As Otto De'Nile, an obscurely renowned author of "Fixing Irreparable Relationships" said in his foreword: "... thanks to Debbie Lee Tate Ting I've been able to quit drinking several times in the recent months... A definitely novel approach that can give you as many fresh starts as you need."       

     Skelly Tonn and Luke King Sikh are all about dieting and being health-conscious. Their new title "Rotten Freshness" undeniably contributes to their prominent insignificance and once again confirms the uncertain truth of vegetarian approach. "We were astonished by the fact that most people throw expired produce away. Not only is it wasteful it's unhealthy." - Skelly tweeted on Monday. "... Please, wait a couple of weeks. Let the fauna come to you, be it a little worm or larva. They are just as good as beef or poultry. It's been proven true time and time again." So, if you are repulsed by the thought of eating juicy burgers and crispy chicken breasts or suffer from a severe mental or  physical condition that puts you on the path of vegetarianism, "Rotten Freshness" is something you do not want to miss.

Other notable titles from different genres:

Y. Burning

Z. Forest
"Anthology of Green Party" (Published by Random Combustion House)

Solomon Bullstein

"Revelations of a Gentile"

R.U. Stiff

"The dire consequences of a sedentary lifestyle"

Holly Sheppard

"Atheism in the United States" (an ACLU article)

Robin Hunter

"Endangered bird species"

Joyce Teak

“Bedroom tools.” (Pamphlet, 2 pages, comes with all necessary accessories, batteries not included, secure delivery, guaranteed anonymity)

Gus Z. Butts

“The role of peas and beans in a Latin American diet.”

D.K. Body

“Applied Pathology.”

Rob N. Keel

“Realistic ways of creating instant wealth.”

Q.T. Reer & B. Hind

“What every man likes.”

F.B. Ivan

"The ride he will never forget"(a post 9/11 novel dedicated to patriotism)

Kris P. Rice

“Chinese cuisine for beginners.”

U. Foster

A. Child
“Kid smuggling from Eastern Europe and Russia" (Regional maps and addresses included, mouth gags sold separately.)

B. De'Rinze

”Elusive secrets of European hygiene"

Belle Eve

“The Downfall of Modern Religion”

E.Z. Carrs
“How to become an automobile owner overnight”

O.G. Zis

“Inquisition in Medieval Spain.”(A historical guide to righteousness and forgiveness)

Gene A. Side

“Tremendous success of Israel’s peace policies in the Middle East.” (Article from an unbiased source)

Ken U. Steele

“100 new techniques to finance your future.”

Ray Ping & Mo Ling

“The secrets of dating in Chinatown.”

Justin A. Wile

“The art of waiting.” (In 12 tomes)

Clint Blinton & Pony K. Felinsky

“Joy with cigars.”         

Arthur I. Tiss

“Knee involvement and common afflictions in rheumatism.”(Dissertation)

Klaus Muller Leentch

“Alabama – the most tolerant state.”

Ben La Dean

“Full catalog of remaining U.S.skyscrapers.”

I.P. Freely & Yuri Nation
“American Yellow River.” (Tourist pamphlet with maps and directions, endorsed by "Huggies")

B.C. Dimmer

A.D. Bright
“Evolution of the human kind through the ages.” (College term paper, in-depth historical analysis)

C.T. Dweller

“Rural beauty from those 'in the know' ” (handbook, 1.5 pg.)

I.C. Jack

“Contact lenses vs. glasses. Pros and cons.” (Dissertation)

Jay Ling Bumms          

“Safer neighborhoods in Sacramento & suburbs.” (Article from Sac Bee)

Uppa Yors

“Thesaurus of polite responses.” (13th reprint, endorsed by the U.S. Corrected Inmate Association)

Dick Pullman

“Yoga and stretch therapy.” (503 pages, includes an extensive 78 page disclaimer)

I.Q. Modest & Z. Row

“2002’s Police Academy requirements and standardized admission tests.” (Revised by Col. I.M. Stuppe and Gen. Bologna)

Paul Tree

“Chicken dishes. Taster’s choice.” Other titles by this author:  “It’s not a cat!”,  “Soya Sosa”,  and “I want 2 fork on the table” (banned in the U.S. in 2008 by the Department of Political Correctness)

T. B. Koff

“Pulmonary Syndromes.” (A rare Textbook, includes audio cassette featuring over 2100 auscultating sounds of various terminally ill patients taped in their last moments)

Bill Ryter         

“Congressional paperwork reduction Act .” (Printed on partially recycled paper, compact format, 4114 pages, 561 appendix entries pages)

George W. Luvs

Paul Yuting
“Mining and drilling in US Natural Preserves.” (Presidential speech before Congress, a 45 min audio cassette with applause and standing ovation is sold separately)

Z. Doris Schudt

“Christian churches welcome everyone.” (Handbook, limited edition, free complimentary baby Jesus action figure available upon 12 year subscription, including an easy payment plan option of 28 installments of only $14.99 a month)

Hugh Mann’s

“Introduction in Anthropology.”

U.F. O’Neeh

“Extraterrestrial life. Myths & reality.” (Article)

Gore G.S.

Lee Z.
“Elizabeth Taylor’s career and more….” (Biography, 326 pictorials, censored)

A. Jan C.

S. S. Sinn
“J.F.K. riddle.” (Questions and answers, original photos and poser pictures from shooting sites taken by the shooters, high quality print version also available from fbi.com/public/on-line-shop)

Jack L. Hide

“Schizophrenia and schizo affective disorders.” (Manuscript)

N. Ron Whitehouse

“Virtues among modern politicians and businessmen”

B.M. Rapids

“Dietary fiber.” (Reference book)

C.U. Leytor

“Confessions of a bank robber.” (Note: The author is still at large)

Wilkie Lyu & Barry U.

"Freedom for everyone” (U.S. Army promotional pamphlet, hard cover, uncensored photos from Guantanamo Bay, includes 2 discount coupons for a rare empty zinc coffin wrapped in the U.S.flag)

Will Burner
"Biography of Joan of Arc" (includes 2 tiny containers with authentic complimentary ashes)

Y.B. Blek
"Unanswered questions" (Unpublished article from “Jet”magazine)

A. Reean Wey

"Efficient soap production in mid 20th century" (also see "Bright furnaces" by this author, after 1945 the reprints are available only in select bookstores in Bolivia and Paraguay)

U.B. Tuff

"Bodybuilder guide"

I.M. Damme

"Celebrity Confessions" (extensive editing and spellchecking makes this jewel an exciting read)

Sam E. Teak

"Non-Jewish perspective" (ancient manuscript)

U.R. Phat

"The Fridge Mystery" (snippets from a popular TV horror show)

Sue M. Dry

"100 ways of filing a frivolous lawsuit" (handbook)

Tamara Bendova

"Russian style" (critically acclaimed author of New York Times X-sellers - "Doggie dog" and "Watch my six!")

Hugh G. Busteur

& T.T. Maxa
“Reduce the Bounce” (Female athlete’s guide to upper body comfort wear)

A. Rest

Ann Kuff
“Serve and protect” (newspaper article on police humility in Los Angeles suburbs)

Annie Mall

Shyu Ting
“Fun activities in National Parks and Preserves” (Book, 356 pages. NRA approved. Hard cover)

Hal Gates

“The place of no return” (Science fiction novel)

Ellis Dee

“World in color” (Alternative lifestyles self-help handbook, other titles by this author include "Say NO to boredom" and "Mushroom hunting made fun")

G. U. Shtinc & Goe Wosh
"The Idiot's Guide to Taking a Shower"
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      --------------------- All content and illustrations by Blunter --------------------------------
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               ----------------- Copyright - BlunterII (2011 - 2012) ---------------------
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